Listening

by John Fisher

To be an effective listener in a helping situation, one must learn to listen actively. Active listening is much more than appearing to listen or even hearing. It implies listening with understanding and requires responding appropriately.

People demonstrate understanding by the responses they give. There are three kinds of responses that demonstrate understanding and show active listening. They are attending, following and reflecting.

Attending

Attending skills are mainly non-verbal. They demonstrate to the speaker that we are "there." A posture of involvement shows that we are interested. Egan (pp.91-92) describes five microskills of attending, summarized in the acronym SOLER.

S means face the speaker squarely. In North American culture, facing another person squarely is considered a basic posture of involvement. Even if it is not possible to face a person squarely, we turn toward them to show our interest.
O stands for adopting an open posture. Crossed arms and crossed legs are sometimes interpreted to mean that the listener has made up his mind, has closed himself to further ideas, or is no longer interested. Both feet on the floor and hands in the lap suggest a more open posture. Whatever your posture, ask yourself, "Does my present posture suggest openness and availability for the speaker?"
L suggests that in conversation we lean forward toward the other person. Leaning forward is a natural sign of involvement and indicates that we are intently listening to the other person. Leaning backward or even slouching backward suggests boredom or distance. However, leaning to far forward can be frightening or intimidating.
E means maintain eye contact. In North American culture, fairly steady eye contact is natural for people deep in conversation. However, staring is inappropriate. Also, frequently looking away may show reluctance and a lack of interest.
R suggests the need to be relaxed or natural in our non-verbal behavior. It shows we are comfortable and interested in the other person. Fidgeting or nervousness shows a lack of interest or desire to be somewhere else.

Most North Americans would agree with these suggestions to show attending. However, some sub-cultures in our society would not follow all these suggestions. They might even find some of them offensive, not respectful. For example, for example, American Native culture has adopted most of the attitudes of the dominant North American culture. In most situations facing a person squarely, adopting and open posture, and maintaining eye contact are used. However, in listening to Elders to demonstrate respect, the younger person would typically maintain a submissive posture, with eyes averted. Some whites might interpret this as a lack of respect, whereas in Native culture the opposite is true.

Distance is also an important aspect of attending. In North American culture, distances closer than 18 inches are considered appropriate only for people who have an intimate relationship (Hall, 1966). But, standing too far away suggests the listener is stand-offish. Somewhere in between is a comfortable area for conversation.

Another aspect of attending is to assure that all distractions are removed. Television, the radio, a view from the window, and other people are examples of distractions that can cause interference and lessen the effectiveness of a conversation. Sometimes not all distractions can be removed, like little children, bit every effort should be made to make the environment as non-distracting as possible.

Following

Whereas attending skills were non-verbal, following skills are verbal. Our verbal responses and questions show we are interested and following what the speaker is saying. Listening responses can be either in the form of giving or asking for information. Following is a list of some responses we typically give in a helping situation.

Ways of giving information

Acknowledging (Ac) indicates we are paying attention. Acknowledging could be non-verbal vocalizations, like "Uh-huh," "Mmm," "Ah," or "Ooo." They could also be short words or phrases, like "Yes," "I see," or "I hear you." They might encourage discussion, but do little to help self-direction or clarify the problem.

Sharing (Sh) presents personal experiences similar to the speaker's. "I also have problems with upset stomach." Sharing is autobiographical and, although it may not inhibit communication, it probably doesn't strongly facilitate discussion, self direction or clarification. It does suggest to the speaker that you understand his or her problems.

Sympathizing (Sy) is when the helper offers sympathy. "That's terrible. I feel so sorry at your loss." Sympathy shows a level of understanding, but does not help with discussion, self-direction or clarification, although it does not inhibit them either. It is a neutral response. Egan (p. 102) has a stronger view of the effect of sympathizing. He claims "…when I sympathize with someone, I become his or her accomplice. If I sympathize with my client as she tells me how awful her husband is, I take sides without knowing what the complete story is. Helpers should not become accomplices in letting a client's self-pity drive out problem-managing action."

Advising (Ad) suggests the speaker should do something. "You should try taking this herbal remedy for your stomach upset." Without an indication from the speaker that he or she would like advice, it may be very ineffective, actually inhibiting the communication. As a part of problem solving, it may be very appropriate to use advice. "You might try an herbal tea to relax you and help you go to sleep."

Placating (Pl) suggests a change in attitude or a suppression of feelings. "Don't worry about it. Given time, every thing will be all right." Although your comments may be true, they still do little to show understanding or help encourage the person to problem solve.

Taking sides (Tk) is where the helper takes sides with the speaker against a third party that might have wronged the speaker. The helper criticizes the other party, not the speaker. "You can't trust those people. They have hurt you and they will hurt you again." Taking sides, like sympathy, makes you the speaker's accomplice. By criticizing the third party, you lose your objectiveness and, in fact, you may also lose the speaker's trust. "If he says those things about other people, does he say the same kinds of things about me when I am not here."

Criticizing (Cr) is when the speaker criticizes or finds fault with the speaker. "You should have been more up front with them. If you had been, you wouldn't be in this situation now." Criticizing has not place in the helping situation. It halts all communication, deeply offends and hurts the speaker. This does not mean you should ignore the speaker's distortion of reality. Egan (p.99) believes the helper should "note the gaps and distortions and challenge them when it is appropriate to do so" by using paraphrase and empathetic listening.

Ways of asking for information

Elaboration (El) encourages the speaker to continue. The following examples are forms of encouragement that indicate to the speaker you are listening and would like them to continue. "Tell me more." "I see. Please go on." "What happened then?" "Is there anything else you would like to say?" This is a strong form of communication that encourages discussion. It does not necessarily show understanding, but still may help the speaker to find self-direction and clarification.

Background information (Bg) requests for more details or feelings about the situation. It could be an open question, which encourages discussion, self-direction and clarification. "How did this make you feel?" Or it could be a closed question, which is neutral in that it does not prevent discussion, self-direction or clarification, but does not necessarily encourage it either. "How long have you been married?" Requests for background information do little to show understanding.

Definition (De) asks for the speaker to clarify meaning. "What do you mean by 'placating'?" These are mostly closed questions, with a short response expected. They help to clarify, but are neutral as far as discussion and self-direction are concerned.

Problem solving (PS) are questions that provide transition in the problem solving process. "What alternatives do you see?" "Now that we have looked at alternatives, let's evaluate them. What alternative seems to best fit your needs and situation?" "Let's review our evaluation of the alternatives and decide which best fist your needs." Problem solving encourages further discussion, helps in self-direction, and allows for clarification. It does not show the helper understands the speaker's problems.

Reflecting skills

Reflecting skills include certain kinds of questions, which help to summarize and show the listener understands the speaker. They go beyond following skills, the main purpose of which is to encourage further response. Perhaps the most effective reflecting device is the paraphrase.

Ways of giving and asking for information

Rhetorical question (RQ) indirectly gives information in question form and sometimes also asks for information. It is frequently combined with some other listening response, such as advice or criticism. "Don't you think it is time you did something about your weight?" This is a negative form of listening response that is frequently mistaken for paraphrasing. It inhibits discussion, self-direction and clarification and does not show understanding.

Paraphrasing (Pa) gives an interpretation that asks for verification or correction. It frequently ends with a question like "is that right?" "So you are upset about all the criticism you are getting because of your weight. Is that right?" The paraphrase shows the listener understands both the feelings and content of the speaker's message and also encourages self-direction, discussion and clarification.

Evaluating use of response kinds

Some reponse kinds are more effective than others while some actually inhibit problem solving. One way of judging communication effectiveness (suggested by Rasmussen) is to determine how well the responses encourage discussion, self-direction or clarification. Another judge might be how well they demonstrate our understanding of what the person is saying or feeling.

Discussion refers to carrying on of the discussion or dialogue. Does the listener's response encourage the speaker to continue to describe his or her situation and discuss the problem? If the response, encourages more discussion or dialogue, then it is effective. If it discourages the speaker form continuing to discuss the problem, then it inhibits communication and problem solving.
Self-direction refers to the need for the speaker to be self-directing, in identifying and solving his or her own problems. Does the response encourage the speaker to pursue his or her own line of thought or is he or she being steered in certain directions by the response?
Clarification refers to the speaker achieving insight or clarifying the issue for himself or herself. Does the response encourage the speaker to clarify the issue for himself or herself or does it provide the listener's viewpoint about the problem? If it provides the listener's insights into what is happening, then it doesn't encourage clarification by the speaker.
Understanding is a sense that the speaker has that you know what he or she is saying or feeling. Understanding is the basis of empathy. Typically when people feel they are understood, they open up further and share more.

The following exercises will help you to see which of the response kinds are more effective in encouraging communication and problem solving. Because there are too many variables in a communication situation, no right answer exists. However, some response kinds are definitely better than others. And some responses kinds obviously inhibit or make communication worse.

For the statement below I have developed responses using the various response kinds. Look at these responses and determine how they affect discussion, self-direction, clarification and understanding. Use the symbols S (strongly encourages), M (moderately encourages) and I (inhibits). Then summarize there overall impact on communication and in a short sentence indicate your reasons for your judgment.

Problem statement:
"My money problems are really bad. Several times a week I get calls from creditors. I am at loss as to what to do."

Acknowledging (Ac) response - "Uh-huh."